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Power & control

Orgasm control and denial: a beginner's guide

One of you decides when, or whether, the other gets to finish. The build-up is the point, and many people say the eventual orgasm hits much harder.

In the quiz

• Edging
• Orgasm control
• Ruined orgasms
• Chastity for a night or a weekend
• Chastity for weeks at a time

How to start

1. Start with edging: bring them close, stop, wait, and repeat three or four times.
2. Agree on a word they say when they’re close, so you know when to stop.
3. Decide ahead of time whether they get to finish at the end.
4. Try a day or two of “not until I say” before anything longer.

How to keep it safe

• Chastity devices need proper sizing and regular checks for rubbing, swelling or numbness.
• Long denial can bring frustration and mood swings. Check in often.
• Ruined orgasms can feel disappointing. Agree on them first.

What you need

• Starter: hands and patience.
• Upgrade: a well-fitted chastity device in a body-safe material.

Ideas to try

• They have to ask permission at every stage.
• A weekend of edging that ends in one big finish.

Is your partner into it too?

Take the quiz on your own phones. You'll only see orgasm control and denial in your results if you both said some kind of yes.

Take the quiz

Sources

• Dunkley & Brotto (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse.
• Ambler et al. (2017). Consensual BDSM facilitates role-specific altered states of consciousness: A preliminary study. Psychology of Consciousness.

Related guides

• Taking charge and power exchange

  One of you makes the decisions and the other follows. It can last one night or carry into daily life, and many people find following the most freeing role.

• Orgasm overload

  The opposite of denial: more orgasms than anyone asked for. It ranges from going for a second round to being held down with a vibrator well past comfort.

Educational, not medical or legal advice. Updated 2026-11-09.